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| Photo Cred: Olivia Jean |
There is a moment of inner clarity, a sign, a calling out and I suddenly realize in some aspects of my life, I haven’t rose to the potential that people see in me and that drive I know I have inside.
I believe that a lot of people experience this, a sudden spark inside themselves that says it’s time to rise to the call, if not you will tragically remain the same.
There is that realization that you’ve put the creation aside one to many times, you put the dream down to deal with the pain, the pressure, the noise and the distractions.
You stopped to deal with the healing and structure you couldn’t find in your youth, there comes that point where we embark on a healing journey, the path to find yourself first, before others, tell you who they think you should be.
One day comes a soft whisper, that reminds you, you’ve done the work and you can now dance with the hurt, make the shadows your angels, and transmute the lies and betrayal into truth.
A clarity of what alchemy truly is, and that this entire time, you had the potential to change your life, step by step.
Hardships come to us all, and we all get to choose how we handle it, and what path we take.
The hardest ship I had to sail was when my epileptic seizures came at the age of eight. This came with pain and many lessons to learn, this shaped the person I became.
The person I am to this day.
I did not get to learn early on the type of person I would become, I had to learn early the type of person I would not become, due to my epilepsy.
I believe I would have chased the adrenaline, taken more chances, I think I would have jumped out a plane when I was younger, if I was allowed.
My seizures didn’t happen in the moments of excitement, or in the shock of the thrill, it came in the long wave, the days of stress, in the quiet acclimated pressure of the overthinking, anxious mind.
It was difficult to watch others take risks I knew I could not, I sat with feelings no one understood and with a truth that I couldn’t be saved and no one was coming to try.
I had one of the most frightening illnesses, one that could have ended me and it seemed like nobody cared, there were times I hardly even cared.
My perspective was if it was gods calling, then he’ll have to take care of me. And he did. He actually showed out, he didn’t just take care of me, he divinely guided and protected me.
God picked me up off the ground every single time, and I stood back up on his grace.
Although my seizures were a product of someone else’s mistakes, someone else’s lack, something they didn’t fix in time. I was the one who made the decision of what role it played in my life. I attempted to give it the role of non existence, it decided on another.
I paid the price for someone else’s monsters, I had to battle in the dark. I believe I picked this path I now live, I had to decide to walk the path of growth & changed for the best with every situation I was handed. It wasn’t always easy and there was a period I decided to choose confusion over clarity. I stood in very dark times, completely by my own will.
I gave into the negative thoughts, concepts and perceptions of what life was suppose to be vs what God promised my life would be.
God walked with me the entire time, while I had every seizure, he spoke to my spirit, gave me signs, dreams, and had a place in my heart from a young age.
As I got older, things around me intensified, I got scared and pushed away what I was experiencing. Everything I was seeing and feeling got replaced with karmic friends, drama, gossip, chasing negativity and a fog of chaos and smoke.
For many years my gifts and light were masquerade as mediocre, people not feeding my light, not believing in me, underestimating me and dismissing my opinions and beliefs. People including myself, draining my energy with unhealthy habits and people who clogged my judgement, with their own confusion, lack of self esteem and lack of spiritual alignment.
And when the journey finally starts to bring you to find your true self, along that walk, you lose so many so- called friends and family, because God states they can’t walk with you any further. They aren’t cut from the same cloth as you, you will no longer learn from them, resonate with the way they live, or be able to energetically be around them. God will never leave his child in the same position to be used and hurt, he will let you know what’s happening, it’s up to you to see it as a sign from him; and to be strong enough to walk away.
There is no doubt in this world, god assigns people to become breakers of chains, healers, empaths and to become light to the lost. That calling is knocking hard for a lot of people, as this is an age of awakening. Someone out there needs your healing aura. God is calling me forward, by placing that feeling in my heart again. At some point I don’t know where to start, and a push came that said start where god placed the passion. My writing. The one thing I have always done, with little to any education, just the need to put that pen to paper. I’ve been writing short stories and poetry since the 90’s, I can proudly say I’ve put in over 10,000 hours of accumulated practice.
There is no doubt that healing and self evaluation is required and everyone's path and journey is theirs alone. I love the way I healed and grew over the years and I admire the way I continue to choose myself and to stay positive through every hard time.
I’ve had to save myself, by myself many times, and often when family and friends claim to help me, it was more to humiliate me or to try to prove that they were doing better than me. I don’t embarrass easily because god gave me my humiliating ritual early on, when I was having seizures.
I’ve had people insinuate I wouldn’t get to live in certain areas because my income or education level wasn’t like theirs. As they watched me get to the same area with the less they said I wouldn’t make it with. Those same people make up lies and spread rumors about how I got there. How I got to that neighborhood, that level, that position, that income. It’s God.
I’ve had people insinuate I wouldn’t get to live in certain areas because my income or education level wasn’t like theirs. As they watched me get to the same area with the less they said I wouldn’t make it with. Those same people make up lies and spread rumors about how I got there. How I got to that neighborhood, that level, that position, that income. It’s God.
I laugh, as they whisper where I came from whenever they pull up to where I am now.
Crazy part is when God starts aligning you the changes show on the outside before you feel it for yourself, that is where imposter syndrome comes from. People see who you’re becoming before you do.
Those who are use to doing things alone become very private people. I once looked for the help from others, now I stay to myself and depend on myself. However little by little I chip away at this and allow my soul tribe and people on my frequency to align, I start trusting in my own discernment and allow people and love back in.
I had to learn to sit in the chaos, keep things to myself to avoid being judged and misunderstood and take all the negative comments, as what they truly are other people insecurities. I have surrendered to every situation and asked god to handle it. I gave up control and let gods way come in and this did not look like most thought it would, including myself.
Others that thought they had more than me silently judged me, thinking I wasn’t paying attention. God always said don’t pay them no mind, you have walked this path alone, surrendering to what is right and you will never fall behind.
He has never been wrong, most people would be surprised where I am in life, right next to them if not doing better. God is the way! Not your ego.
God creates moments in my life where I feel it’s on fire, and then surprisingly from the same ashes I created and allowed god to burn me in, I rise, like the phoenix he made me to be.
There was a big point of confusion that came into my life around the age of twenty seven till about thirty, when I had my last seizure. I was waiting for them to come back, I couldn’t believe that was it, and I went through who am I without them and everything that came with them. There was this euphoric feeling I would experience when I woke up from an epileptic seizure, I can only explain it as having one foot in heaven. It was gone, the good and the bad.
People don’t really know I went through that, I couldn’t explain it. I still can’t.
I always knew deep down they would not be forever, I watched as I matured and handled stress better, the seizures started to happen less and less. These were factors that were mine to cope and grow from, my epilepsy was never my fault, it was the failure of the ones who were suppose to keep me safe and healthy. I will never know if this affected me as a parent, but God says it won’t stop me from being a good mother.
I always knew deep down they would not be forever, I watched as I matured and handled stress better, the seizures started to happen less and less. These were factors that were mine to cope and grow from, my epilepsy was never my fault, it was the failure of the ones who were suppose to keep me safe and healthy. I will never know if this affected me as a parent, but God says it won’t stop me from being a good mother.
God is good.
Being a mother to a autistic non verbal girl, is something different, I remember reading autistic parents go through ptsd and anxiety like they are in the middle of war. I definitely believe that, not knowing what will become in the future, worrying about how others treat her, or if she’ll be safe from the evil people and predators, that alone is like waking up in a war zone. Then on top of that there is the fact you child may experience eloping, stimming, and/or self harming. A lot of people don’t understand, yet a lot of people do, and they sympathize, we are a strong community of autistic parents. I move forward with pride, and those that help are gods angels, those that don’t help, but criticize, take it up with god. That is nobody’s problem but their own.
This is my path as a mother, and nobody has the right to intervene or have opinions, especially when they provide no assistance.
Most of the time, being an autistic mom come with some magically moments and if you know about the podcast “The Telepathy Tapes” then you already know. It is different and magically at the same time. There has been challenges, and I always try to understand and make the best choices, which wasn’t always the case.
You live and you learn, and you gain a lot of patience.
I had to let lots of people go from my life, and pull back my energy. People love to underestimate me, think of me an naive and slow and sometimes, I let them. I’m actually highly spiritual and favored by god. I am extremely smart, analytic and have lots of attributes that can’t be taught, I am wise and always moving into a better version of myself. I’m a loyal understanding person and I expect the same back. If not, I am not afraid to walk away, be alone and start over.
I spent the majority of my childhood in church, in an all Spanish Baptist church in the Bronx, with my grandmother. I am a Christian in faith, but I no longer attend church. My opinions have changed I loved my church and what it represented. I love the fact my grandmother and I shared that. However, it is the fact of what man represent in the church and religion that has changed my values over the years. I watched reformed religion take so much from someone I loved, until he was gone.
I watched a church take all someone’s money in the name of curing their homosexuality. What god touches is beautiful, what man puts their hands on can be used for evil. I will enter to find god through that one part of my body, designed to do so, my temples. God lives in our mind and hearts (soul & spirit.)
I was a curious child. I spent most of my childhood in church but when I got older, my opinions changed. I studied the Quran, I studied Buddhism and I have come to realize that they are good people in all races, religions, and sectors of life and God does not turn his back on his children. When I write, I often refer to the “source” I am referring to your God, the god you serve as a child of the most high. I don’t care where you are with God, as long as you’re on a path of faith, you are a good person and moving towards positive growth.
I love the discipline and love religious people have, but I know your relationship with God can’t be weighed by your attendance in church, because man has their hand on church and religion.
Man has never been able to touch or control your soul’s alignment with god. That is yours alone to cultivate. When you are aligned with the source he will find you anywhere.
My first blog post I made years ago, was on why I blog, my reason hasn’t changed much. I write because it’s a passion of mine, the talent God placed on me from day one. A lot has changed but I still write, I came back to this blog because the call is beating at my heart like a drum, the dream, and the need has grown so big, I can no longer contain it. The person I am has evolved into someone who can no longer hide who they are truly meant to be, a healer. I have healed so many parts of my life, and nurtured those around me to become their best self.
I desire to be part of those people who are a beacon of hope, they have a light and know how to carry it like a torch, to light up a way for others. That is what I hope people get from my blog posts…My desire is to create an illumination when I write, and I hope that shine can light up the darkest paths.
With Love,
Olivia Jean 💫
